Couples Therapy in BerlinNeukölln, Prenzlauer Berg and online

When ease turns into routine

A long relationship doesn’t run by itself. What felt light and alive at the start changes over time. Everyday life moves in, perhaps children arrive, a new job or a move. Then small triggers are enough to start a fight. Where you used to talk to each other with affection, things are now tense. Or silent.

Many conversations go round in circles because we don’t say what we mean. Our words protect us. They rarely say what we actually need. Many couples know this phase.

Couples therapy doesn’t mean: we have failed

Many people think that going to couples therapy means you couldn’t manage on your own. I see it differently. You don’t have to be “that far gone”, and you don’t have to wait until nothing works any more. It is enough to feel: we don’t want things to stay the way they are now.

You can also come if you don’t know whether you want to stay together. Then we look at exactly that question first, without the outcome being decided in advance.

Couples therapy is a brave beginning, a way to meet each other anew.

How I work with couples

I am interested in what lies beneath the argument. Recurring arguments are often the visible side of a pattern neither of you is really aware of. Underneath there are often needs that have gone unmet for a long time, or old hurts. Sometimes boundaries are unclear. Very little of this gets said out loud.

We look at it together. What dynamic has got stuck between you? And what stops you from saying what you actually mean?

My work is body- and emotion-oriented. We look for a language for what gets lost in the argument, in a way that reaches the other person instead of putting them on the defensive. My perspective is systemic: I look at what happens between you, not at who is to blame. And I also ask what holds you together as a couple.

For me, working on a relationship doesn’t mean repairing something. It is about understanding yourself and each other better, step by step.

Couples therapy or couples counselling?

The terms are often used interchangeably, as are marriage counselling, marriage therapy and relationship counselling. I call my work couples therapy. We look at the pattern between you and at what you each feel in your body while it plays out. There is room for sexuality here too, if you want it.

Three situations I often see

Some patterns come up again and again.

Talking or distance

One person wants to connect through conversation: sharing feelings, being in contact. That is exactly what makes the other one withdraw. They get irritated and need distance. Often one of them finds it easy to open up. The other isn’t used to showing themselves. When contact doesn’t happen, the first one misses something and grows dissatisfied.

Arguments that are about more

Some couples argue about the same thing over and over: the washing-up, weekend plans, the children. The discussions go round in circles, and in the end both feel misunderstood. Underneath, it is often about something else: appreciation, being seen and respected. One person feels they are always in the wrong and can never get it right. The other feels left alone or not taken seriously. I look with you at what lies beneath the argument. Once that has been said, it often becomes clearer what is really at stake between you.

Who looks after the relationship?

One person wants the other to take more initiative for the relationship: conversations about the future, time together. For them, a relationship means staying with it: looking at things, changing something, renegotiating. For the other, a relationship means finally being content with what is, instead of constantly finding new points that aren’t right. They feel cornered and have the impression they are never enough.

When one person wants sex more often than the other, I describe how I work with that under Sex therapy.