An affair comes to light, and from one day to the next nothing is the way it was. In couples therapy after an affair, we look at what happened, what each of you needs now, and whether and how you want to go on. The outcome isn’t decided in advance.
When the ground gives way
If you were cheated on, you read the messages again and again, can’t sleep, ask for details and at the same time don’t want to hear them. Anger alternates with grief. On top of that comes the question of what your relationship was worth all those years.
If you had the affair, you may feel ashamed, defend yourself or want things to finally calm down. Some also grieve for the affair and don’t dare say so.
Both of you are under pressure to make a decision quickly. I take that pressure seriously. But you don’t have to give in to it right away.
What an affair says about the relationship
An affair is a breach. The responsibility for it lies with the person who had it. At the same time it is often also a message: about longings that had no place in the relationship, about sex that had fallen asleep, about a life that had come to feel like nothing but functioning.
Both belong together. I look with you at the injury and at what was going on between you before. That doesn’t mean excusing the affair.
How I work with couples after an affair
At first it’s about finding your footing. We sort out what needs to be said now and what can wait. The person who was cheated on can show the hurt as often as they need to. The person who had the affair tries to understand their own motives instead of only justifying themselves.
Later we look at the pattern behind it. Which needs fell short in your relationship? What went unsaid? And what do you both want now, each of you for yourself?
In 2026 I completed further training with Prof. Dr. Ulrich Clement on working with affairs. I work systemically and with the body: I pay attention to what happens between you, and to what your body shows when you talk about the affair. More about my work with couples under couples therapy.
Some things can’t be said with both of you in the room. The person who was hurt may feel ashamed of thoughts of revenge; the other may be grieving for the affair. That’s why, in couples therapy after an affair, I also offer individual sessions for each of you. I don’t bring what is said there into the joint session without asking. But I won’t keep a secret that undermines our work together. I tell you both this beforehand.
Sex after an affair
After an affair, sex is often the hardest topic. Some couples suddenly have a lot of sex, driven by fear of losing each other. Others don’t touch each other for months. Images of the third person push their way in. Comparisons are hard to switch off.
I talk about this openly with you. We look at what the affair says about your sexuality and what each of you wishes for. When closeness feels possible again is up to you. More under sex therapy.
The best way to find out whether my work suits you is to talk. If you like, we can talk on the phone for 15 minutes first, free of charge.
Request an initial sessionComing on your own
Not every couple wants to come together. You can also come to me on your own, as the person who was cheated on or as the one who had the affair. Some come because they don’t yet know whether they want to end the affair or disclose it. There is room for that with me too. More under individual sessions.
Process and fees
A couples session lasts 90 minutes in the practice and 60 minutes online. The initial session is already our first real session. We usually meet every two to four weeks. After an affair it can make sense to come more often at the beginning. How long we work together is something we discuss together.
Fees
| in person | online | |
|---|---|---|
| Couples session | 185 €90 min | 125 €60 min |
| Individual session | 110 €60 min | 110 €60 min |
Fees per session, the same for every topic. The first session costs the same as any other.
Payment by bank transfer or PayPal. Free cancellation up to 48 hours before. Statutory health insurance does not cover the costs.
More about payment and cancellations under process and fees.
Am Friedrichshain 22
10407 Berlin
- Tram M4, buses 142 and 200 (stop Am Friedrichshain)
- Mon–Fri, 10 am–8 pm, by arrangement
- In English or German
- Not wheelchair accessible – online sessions possible
Karl-Marx-Straße 7
12043 Berlin
- U7/U8 Hermannplatz (a few minutes' walk)
- Mon–Fri, 10 am–8 pm, by arrangement
- In English or German
- Not wheelchair accessible – online sessions possible
Couples and sex therapy online
By encrypted video, in English or German. Fully online or alternating with sessions at the practice.
Questions about couples therapy after an affair
“Does couples therapy after an affair make sense if we don’t know whether we’ll stay together?”
Yes, especially then. You don’t have to have decided what you want beforehand. In our sessions we keep saying things apart from deciding things. The same applies if there was no sex but an emotional affair: a close, hidden intimacy with someone else. If one of you has already ended the relationship inside, a couples session can still give room to talk about the separation.
“Do I have to forgive if we come to you?”
No. You don’t have to forgive, and you don’t have to stay. We look at what happened and what you want. Some couples separate in the end, consciously; others stay together. Either can be a good outcome of the work.
“The affair was years ago. Is that still something for couples therapy?”
Yes. Many couples carried on quickly after an affair without talking about it. The hurt then often stays in the room: in arguments, in bed, in mistrust. Even years later, you can look at it.
“What if the affair is still going on?”
Then we talk in the initial session about what that means for our work. The affair doesn’t have to be discussed in every detail. But it should be out in the open: couples therapy can’t be a place where one person hides something from the other while I know about it. Often this very question is where the work begins. If you don’t yet know whether to end the affair or disclose it, you can come on your own first.
“Are you on the side of the person who was cheated on?”
I take the hurt very seriously. But I don’t take sides. That doesn’t mean pretending the situation is balanced: one person broke an agreement, the other was hurt, and I name that. You both get to tell your side, including the person who had the affair.
“What if there have been threats since the affair?”
If threats, control or violence are involved, couples therapy is not the right first step. You’ll find contacts for this situation under support services.
You don't have to decide anything today.
A sentence or two is enough. I usually reply within 24 hours and suggest a time for an initial session.
