What does a sex therapist do? Your first session

As a sex therapist, I talk with you openly and plainly about sex. Together we look for what lies behind a difficulty, and you get ideas you can try out at home. In the session we talk and we notice what happens in the body. Nothing happens that you don’t want.

What sex therapy is about

The starting point is whatever weighs on you, not a diagnosis. Some people come because desire has disappeared, their own or their partner’s. Others come because sex hurts, because they ejaculate sooner than they’d like, or because their erection feels unreliable. Some don’t reach orgasm the way they wish they could. And some don’t really know what they want. They just sense that something is missing.

Many have hesitated for a long time. Talking about sex is unfamiliar for most people, even in a relationship that works well otherwise. That is exactly what sex therapy is for.

What happens in the first session

The initial session is already our first real session. We get to know each other, and we start working straight away. You tell me what brings you here, and I ask questions. How much you tell me is up to you.

Questions I often ask in a first session:

• “What made you get in touch now, of all times?”
• “How long has it been like this, and what was different before?”
• “What have you already tried?”
• “When you think of sex that felt good: what was there?”

I also ask about your history: how sex was talked about in your family, which experiences shaped you, how you feel in your body. This background is called the anamnesis. It doesn’t come together in one session. It builds up bit by bit.

At the end of the first session, we look together at what comes next. Sometimes that is a medical examination. Sometimes a first small exercise. Sometimes it is enough that something has finally been said out loud after a long time.

Do I have to tell you everything?

No. You don’t have to tell me everything at once, and you don’t need the right words. Shame is part of it. It can even become a topic in the session: what do you feel ashamed of, and where does that come from? I talk about sex clearly and directly. Many people notice after a few minutes that it is easier than they feared. More on this under the shame of talking about sex.

Will you touch me? Do I have to undress?

You stay dressed, always. In sex therapy I don’t touch you, and there are no sexual acts. What we do with the body in the session are conversation and awareness exercises: you notice how you breathe, where you hold tension, what changes when we talk about a particular topic.

How I work: conversation and the body

Sex happens in the body. That’s why I combine conversation with body awareness. I use breathing, movement, voice and bodily impulses, adjusted to what suits you at the moment.

My work draws on two full trainings and several further trainings. Relationship-dynamic couples and sex therapy (Institut für Beziehungsdynamik), one of the two, looks at how early experiences of relationships shape the way we experience closeness and sex. Systemic sex therapy following Ulrich Clement, in which I did further training, looks at desire and at differences within a couple: what does each person want, and what do both dare to show each other? Then there is Sexocorporel, a body-oriented approach from clinical sexology, which I learned in further training with Dr. med. Karoline Bischof. It asks how a person builds up arousal in the body. You can read more about my training and further training under About me, and more about working with the body under body-oriented work.

Exercises to try at home

If you like, you get small tasks between sessions. These are exercises in awareness, touch or conversation that you try alone or together. One example: a couple sets aside half an hour twice a week in which they take turns touching each other, and sex is not allowed to come of it. One person touches, the other says what they feel. Afterwards both talk about how it was.

In the next session we talk about what you noticed. Even when an exercise didn’t work out, we often learn a lot from it. You don’t have to do exercises. Some people prefer to work through conversation.

Alone or as a couple?

Both are possible. Some topics are mainly about you, such as your relationship with your own body or your own desire. Others play out between two people. Even with a couple’s issue, one person can start alone, for example if their partner doesn’t want to come yet. More on this under coming on your own.

If you come as a couple, you talk with each other a lot in the session, and I guide the conversation. We look at the pattern between you, not at who is to blame.

When to see a doctor first

If sex hurts, if your erection or your cycle changes, or if your desire changes suddenly, a medical examination is part of the picture, with a gynaecologist, a urologist or your GP. Sex therapy can run alongside it. You can read more about these topics under pain during sex and no desire for sex, for example.

How to recognise a qualified sex therapist

In Germany, the title “sex therapist” (Sexualtherapeutin) is not protected by law. So ask what training someone has and what licence they work under. The German Society for Sex Research (Deutsche Gesellschaft für Sexualforschung), for example, distinguishes between sex counselling and sex therapy.

I am a Heilpraktikerin for psychotherapy. This means I hold a licence under the German Heilpraktiker Act (Heilpraktikergesetz), restricted to the field of psychotherapy. I am not a psychotherapist with an Approbation, the full state licence. Psychotherapists with an Approbation and a statutory health insurance licence can bill public health insurance. I can’t.

Practical details

I work in Neukölln, in Prenzlauer Berg and online, in German and English. We usually meet every two to four weeks. How long we work together is something we discuss jointly.

How appointments, cancellations and payment work is explained under process and fees. If you like, we can talk on the phone for 15 minutes first, free of charge.

The next step

Write me a few sentences about what’s on your mind. A rough description is enough. More about what I offer under sex therapy in Berlin.