Can’t orgasm as a woman? When you pressure yourself

If you are a woman who can’t orgasm during sex and you put yourself under pressure because of it, take orgasm out of the centre for a while. Pressure slows arousal down. Explore your body alone and together, without anything having to happen at the end, and tell your partner that you are putting pressure on yourself.

Many women wonder how they can reach orgasm more easily. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to get there. There are, though, approaches that let you get to know your body and your desire better.

Exploring yourself

The way to orgasm starts with you. How your arousal builds is easiest to find out on your own.

• In front of the mirror: masturbate naked in front of a mirror. Watch how your body responds.
• Bring in all your senses: how do you taste, how do you smell, how does your skin feel?
• When you feel safe, you can also masturbate in front of your partner. That can build trust and bring you closer to each other.

Talking to each other

Talk to your partner about sex. What turns you on? When do you feel desire? Which position do you find especially erotic? Saying questions like these out loud often makes the shame smaller.

To get started, there are card games for couples that prompt conversations like these. Talking about insecurities in particular creates closeness. You will find questions for this in my list of questions for couples. Why talking is so hard is something I describe under talking about sex.

Biology lessons as a ritual

Make your desire a joint research project. Arrange regular dates, say once a week or every two weeks. Each of you gets 15 to 20 minutes in turn, during which you explore that person’s body together and try out different kinds of touch. Questions you can ask yourselves:

• What feels good, and what less so?
• Do I actually know all your erogenous zones?
• Do you like being touched gently or more firmly?

Important: sex doesn’t have to happen, not straight afterwards and not at all. Because the exercise is separate from sex, the pressure can fall away. The point is to find out what you like – a kind of instruction manual for your desire and your body.

Sex without orgasm is still sex

Many women believe sex without orgasm isn’t good enough. That isn’t true. Good sex is not measured by orgasm. The more you fixate on it, the harder it often becomes to experience it. You can read how the female orgasm comes about under female orgasm. What your partner can do to take the pressure off you is something I describe under taking the pressure off. Why more time for touch often helps is explained under foreplay.

When you feel pressure to orgasm

• Allow yourself not to have an orgasm this time.
• Tune into sensation: turn your attention to your body. How does the penetration or the touch feel? How warm is your vulva?
• Breathe out deeply. With every out-breath, guide your attention to what feels good. You might like to move your pelvis as you do.
• Let your partner in on it, for example: “Hey, I notice I’m putting pressure on myself. Is it okay if we save my orgasm for another day?” Often that relaxes you both.

When orgasm is near

Just before climax, changing things usually doesn’t help any more – not the pace, the pressure or the direction. Stay with what is happening. If the pressure in your head comes back, bring your attention back to sensation. The same goes for your partner: keep going steadily and don’t get carried away by the excitement.

To start, pick one of these exercises. Try it a few times over the next few weeks, and leave orgasm out as the yardstick.

When a medical check makes sense

Sometimes there are physical reasons when orgasm doesn’t happen. Have you started a new medication, such as an antidepressant? Does sex hurt? Or have you suddenly stopped being able to come, although you could before? Then please talk to your gynaecologist or GP first. Don’t stop taking medication on your own; ask them about it instead.

If the pressure stays or you would like support, we can look at it together in sex therapy, alone or as a couple: where the pressure comes from and what you actually want.