Faking orgasm: how to take the pressure off your partner

Faking an orgasm is usually a response to pressure: the orgasm is supposed to happen, and soon. You take that pressure off your partner when orgasm stops being the yardstick – for her, and for you as well. Tell her so, and show her in bed that you mean it.

Why people fake orgasms

Faking is rarely deception. Usually it is a way out of a moment in which someone sees no other way out. Her partner is trying hard, and she doesn’t want to hurt them. Or she is tired and wants sex to end without having to explain anything. Many women believe they take “too long” and sense the other person’s impatience before it is even there. Sometimes a woman doesn’t quite know what feels good to her, and so she plays what is expected.

Men fake orgasms too, for example when their arousal fades and they want to end sex without talking about it. The reasons are similar.

What faking has to do with pressure

The faked orgasm brings calm for a moment. Next time the bar is higher: now the orgasm is supposed to come again, and it has to look real. Your partner pays even more attention to how she comes across and feels even less of what is happening in her body. Yet arousal needs exactly that feeling. So a real orgasm becomes less likely and faking more likely.

The pressure rarely comes from one side alone. Perhaps you ask afterwards whether she came. Perhaps her orgasm is your proof that you are doing it well. Wanting at all costs to give her pleasure often takes some of it away from her. How the female orgasm comes about, and why the kind of touch matters so much, you can read in Female orgasm during sex.

If you suspect your partner is faking

Don’t bring it up in bed, or straight afterwards. At that moment any question sounds like an accusation. Choose a calm moment, and start with yourself rather than with her: “I sometimes get the feeling that you’re under pressure during sex, maybe because of me too. I don’t want that. How is it for you?”

This is not about catching her out. If she tells you she has been faking, she is trusting you with something difficult. It may hurt you. Even so, tell her first that you are glad to know. You can talk about your hurt later, once you both feel on solid ground again. Why it is so hard to talk about sex often has to do with shame.

Six ways to take the pressure off

I write about your partner as “she” here. The suggestions apply to any partner.

1. Tell her she doesn’t have to have an orgasm

Show her that the shared experience matters more to you than her orgasm. Say it openly, for example: “You don’t have to have an orgasm. What matters to me is that we have fun together and enjoy our time with each other.”

If she can believe you, it becomes easier for her to let go. Then she no longer has to pretend.

2. More time than she needs

It can be a great relief to know she doesn’t have to hurry. A practical suggestion: set a timer for 20 minutes. During that time she can enjoy herself without rushing and without worrying that you’ll get impatient. A fixed frame helps some people put their worries aside. How arousal unfolds in phases is something I describe in the phases of arousal.

3. Appreciation, with or without orgasm

Tell her how much you love tasting and touching her, whether she comes or not. For example: “I love feeling you and being close to you so much.” Or: “I’m pleasuring you because it makes me happy.” Sentences like these land.

4. Let her let go

Thoughts often get in the way. If she takes too long, will you get tired? Will she have to give you something back afterwards? Tell her she doesn’t need to worry about that. She can simply be there, without expectations.

Whatever happens is a bonus – not the measure of good sex.

5. Don’t wait for the orgasm

Perhaps you notice during sex that you are focused on when she will finally come. Then take an inner step back. Instead of wondering whether she is “nearly there now” or how much longer to keep up a movement, come back to the moment. Enjoy how she tastes and how she feels, and tell her exactly that.

6. Ask about wishes, not about time

Instead of “How much longer do you need?”, ask about what she wants: “Do you want it faster, softer, more circling – or slower, firmer, up and down?” That shows her you are with her and not with the clock.

If you fake orgasms yourself

Perhaps you are reading this because you fake it yourself. Then you have reasons for it, and they deserve your attention rather than your self-reproach. A first step might be not to act next time, and to say afterwards what felt good. How to deal with your own pressure is something you can read in When you put pressure on yourself to orgasm.

Start with the first of the six ways. Don’t say the sentence to your partner in the middle of sex but at a calm moment, and ask how it feels for her.

If pressure around orgasm has been with you both for a while, we can look at it together in sex therapy or couples therapy: where it comes from and what you both want.