Female orgasm: why the kind of touch matters

The female orgasm during sex depends heavily on how a woman is stimulated – not on whether “everything is going right”. The answers of 412 women surveyed online by Jena University Hospital point the same way (Hoy, Villwock, Strauß and Brenk-Franz, Zeitschrift für Sexualforschung, 2021). If you rarely or never come, it usually has nothing to do with “not being able to” or a lack of desire.

“Why don’t I come during sex – or not reliably?” Many women ask themselves this quietly, often with self-doubt and sometimes with shame.

How often women orgasm during sex

For a long time the female orgasm was seen in very one-dimensional terms: does it happen during intercourse, yes or no? The Jena study adapted two English questionnaires for German speakers and tested them. They ask more precisely: how regularly does a woman come with which kind of touch, and how does she feel about touching herself during sex? The answers paint a more precise picture:

• Just under a third of the women surveyed come from penetration alone at least half the time. Roughly as many never come this way.
• Orgasm happens much more often when the clitoris is directly involved.
• During masturbation, most women have orgasms very reliably.

That is no coincidence, and anatomy explains it well. The clitoris is the central organ of pleasure. It is densely packed with nerve endings and, for most women, the most direct route to orgasm.

If you rarely or never come from penetration alone, you share that with many women. That is normal.

Clitoral orgasm: the clitoris isn’t an “extra”

According to the study, orgasms happen most often with

• direct stimulation of the clitoris,
• oral sex,
• manual stimulation by a partner,
• self-stimulation during sex.

One thing stands out: with certain kinds of stimulation, many women have an orgasm either very regularly or almost never. There is hardly any “middle ground”. This suggests that every woman has her own ways to pleasure. They can be discovered, and they may change over the course of a life.

Why the “vaginal orgasm” carries so much weight

One finding is surprising: orgasms through vaginal penetration are more strongly linked to satisfaction than other orgasms, even though they happen less often.

This has to do with social myths about sex (“This is how sex should be”). Films and media keep them alive, as do old psychoanalytic ideas. Behind them lies an unspoken norm: “During intercourse it should just happen.”

Many women tell me: “When I heard that lots of women feel this way, I was relieved – and still somehow felt abnormal.”

What weighs on them then is less the missing orgasm than the comparison with unrealistic expectations.

Touching yourself during sex: fine in theory, inhibited in practice

Another finding of the survey:

• Around two thirds of the women think it is good to stimulate their own clitoris during sex.
• Yet more than a third never do it.

Why this contradiction?

• shame or uncertainty (“Am I allowed to?”)
• worry about seeming selfish
• pressure to perform (“I should be able to come like this”)
• little confidence that they can do something for their own pleasure

Even women with a high level of education and an open attitude to sexuality report inner inhibitions like these.

So knowing that it is fine isn’t enough. It also takes the feeling of truly being allowed to do it during sex, and a partner you can talk to about it.

Pleasure instead of a goal

What I often see in my practice: whether a woman feels good about the sex she has depends less on how often she comes. What matters more is whether she can enjoy it, feels connected and accepts herself as she is.

Women who sense their body well, allow themselves fantasies, explore different kinds of touch and put less pressure on themselves more often tell me about sex that does them good, and about feeling close to their partner.

Orgasm can be a highlight – but not the test of good sex.

What this means for sex therapy

For many women these findings are a relief. In the sessions the question shifts: away from “What’s wrong with me?” towards “What do I need – and how can I allow myself to have it?”

That is why sex therapy is often first about knowledge of female sexuality and about the myths that create pressure. We look at which ways to pleasure you already know and which you would like to try. And it is about how you talk to your partner about it. Trying harder is rarely the answer.

If you recognise yourself

If you like, try touching your own clitoris the next time you have sex, or say beforehand what kind of touch you would like. If you would rather talk it through with someone first, you can come to an individual session or together with your partner.

If you put yourself under pressure to come, you will find exercises in the article I put pressure on myself to orgasm. How your partner can accompany you through the stages of arousal, I describe in a separate article.