Communication during sex works with words and without them: you can say what you want, or you can show it. In the moment, both are hard for many people. Small aids make it easier, such as a shared code or a hand that you guide.
Talking during sex
Short prompts like “A bit gentler” or “Yes, keep going like that” often make a big difference. Many people find it brings them closer than they had feared. If talking is hard for you, especially about pressure and rhythm, you can make up a code of your own together.
A few examples:
- “Hot here, colder there” shows where it can be more intense or softer.
- “That’s melting” means: exactly like that.
- With “Oh yes, blossoms” or “That’s pudding” you might make each other laugh.
Codes like these take the heaviness out of it. You can say what you want without having to get technical in the middle of arousal.
Talking before or after sex
Some things are easier to discuss outside the bedroom. Try suggestions that sound like an invitation:
- “How about tonight I use your fingers to pleasure myself?”
- “Would you like me to lick you while we find out together what you like best?”
Comparisons help too. Use your knuckle as a model of the clitoris: the knuckle is the clitoris, the skin over it is the hood. With it you can show your partner what you like without undressing.
In a conversation like this, also agree on a word or sign that means stop, straight away, during sex. It applies to both of you, and nobody has to give a reason.
Non-verbal communication during sex: touch and body language
Sometimes a movement says more than any sentence.
- Guide the hand: lead your partner’s hand to where it feels good.
- Touch yourself and lay your partner’s hand on yours. That way they feel exactly what you like.
- Your body speaks as well: circling hips, a smile, a bitten lip, breathing that grows louder.
One position is especially good for showing. Sit in your partner’s lap with your back against their belly. Take their hand and guide it to your vulva or your penis. Show how and where you want to be touched. Or lay their hand on yours and touch yourself together.
One sentence is enough to start with. Next time, say “Just like that” when it’s right, and notice what happens next.
If talking about sex keeps bringing you up against limits as a couple, we can work on it in couples therapy or sex therapy: what holds you back and which words suit you. Where the inhibition often comes from is something I describe in the article on the shame of talking about sex.
Talking to each other.
Would you like to find it easier as a couple to talk about wishes and limits? I work with you on this – in Neukölln, Prenzlauer Berg or online.
