The shame about talking about sex is mostly learned. Many people found out as children that this is something you keep quiet about, and that silence is still with them today. What was learned can change. It often begins with a single sentence and the conversation that follows, in which you notice that other people have very similar questions.
For many, sex is still seen as dirty or indecent. Anyone who talks about it openly is quickly labelled “slutty” or “sex-crazed”. Sex happens behind closed doors, so the idea goes, and it’s better not to talk about it.
Shame about sex: a learned taboo
Many people learn as children that sexuality is not talked about. When a child shows first sexual feelings or asks questions, adults often react with embarrassment or a disapproving look. The child takes away one thing: sex is forbidden or embarrassing.
That feeling stays, often into adulthood. If you can’t talk about your own wishes and insecurities, you look for answers elsewhere, often on porn sites. There, sex is staged for the camera. That can make the insecurity even greater.
What the silence costs
If you never learned to talk about your own sexuality, it is hard to name your needs. Setting limits is just as hard. In relationships this leads to misunderstandings and frustration, which again nobody talks about.
Talk about sex, and you soon notice: other people have similar questions.
It takes courage to ask a question or to say out loud that you feel unsure. People who do often find that the other person is relieved. With each conversation like this, the shame can get a little smaller. How to say or show what you like during sex itself is something I describe under communication during sex.
How to talk to your partner about sex
A conversation about sex doesn’t have to start big. Often one sentence is enough.
Choose a calm moment, not right there in bed and not in the middle of an argument. That might be a walk, or an evening when nothing else is planned. Some people find it easier to talk side by side rather than face to face.
Start with yourself: “I find it hard to talk about this, but I want to.” A sentence like that shows the shame instead of hiding it. It invites your partner in without backing them into a corner. A “You never …”, on the other hand, sounds like an accusation, even when there is a wish behind it.
Begin with something small. What you like is easier to say than what you miss. The harder topics can come later. If you can’t find the words, take a question from my list of questions for couples.
If your partner doesn’t want to talk
If your partner reacts defensively or with a joke, the conversation hasn’t failed. Perhaps they know the same shame. Say that you’d like to come back to the topic, and leave it there for today.
Sex therapy as a place to talk
Perhaps talking to your partner, to friends or to family feels too hard right now. Then sex therapy can be a place for it. There you can talk about anything intimate without being judged.
Together we look at where your feelings of shame and guilt come from, and we look for words for what you want. Along the way you also get to know your body better. How much you tell is up to you. As a couple, this is also possible in couples therapy.
You can also start smaller. Write down for yourself what you would like to talk about one day. Whether you show the note to anyone, and to whom, you can decide later.
A place where you can speak openly.
Without judgement, at your own pace: write to me if you would like to talk about sexuality.
