Queer couples argue, desire each other and drift apart like any other couple. On top of that come a few questions that arise because there is no template. Who takes which role, what sex looks like and how a family comes about all get negotiated rather than inherited. That brings freedom, and it takes work.
By “queer” I mean here every relationship that doesn’t consist of a heterosexual man and a heterosexual woman: lesbian and gay couples, relationships with bisexual, trans or non-binary people.
What is the same
When a lesbian or gay couple comes to me, it is usually about the same things as with everyone else. An argument that goes round in circles. One person wants more sex than the other. Everyday life has eaten up the closeness. These issues have little to do with sexual orientation. You can read more about desire under No desire in a relationship.
Some queer couples still hesitate to talk about it. They don’t want to confirm the idea that their relationships are harder. But having problems says nothing about the form a relationship takes. It says that two people live together.
Roles without a template
In heterosexual relationships there are old patterns of who looks after what. You can reject them, but they are there. Queer couples don’t have this template. Who cooks, who earns more, who takes the initiative in sex? That has to be talked about.
For many, this is a relief. But it can also mean that everything stays up for negotiation and nothing becomes a given. Sometimes couples do slip into a pattern without noticing, and then one person carries more than they wanted to.
When one of you is more out than the other
A common theme: one person is out everywhere, the other isn’t. Maybe the family doesn’t know, maybe the colleagues don’t. For one person, that is protection. The other feels hidden, as if the relationship were something that mustn’t be shown.
Both sides have good reasons. The one who doesn’t come out has often had experiences, or fears them, that the other person doesn’t know. The one who lives openly doesn’t want to be invisible with the person they love. In couples therapy you can talk about what both of you need, without one person pushing the other.
What reaches the relationship from outside
Researchers speak of minority stress: the strain that comes from having to expect disapproval as part of a minority. It starts with the question of whether you can hold your partner’s hand in the street. It continues with comments from the family and doesn’t stop at the fear of violence.
This tension comes home with you. It can show up as irritability, as withdrawal or as arguments about things that actually have nothing to do with it. It helps to name it. Then “You’re always so tense” can turn into “We’ve both had a hard day out there”.
If you have experienced violence or threats, you will find addresses that know about this under Support services.
Sex without a script
Many heterosexual couples follow a sequence in sex that they never chose: a little foreplay, penetration, orgasm, done. Queer couples have less of this script, and that can make sex freer. The two of them decide what counts as sex.
But habits form even without a template. After a few years, sex may always go the same way, or it may have fallen asleep altogether. And shame about your own wishes exists in every relationship. Why it is so hard to talk about, I describe under Talking about sex.
Family and wanting children
When queer couples want children, they have to plan the route. Sperm donation, fostering or adoption, co-parenting with another couple: each option brings its own questions, legal ones and ones within the relationship. What if only one of you becomes a biological parent? Who has a say when a third person is involved?
Questions like these hold conflicts that other couples never face. Talking about them before the decision is made often takes weight off both of you.
What you can expect from a therapist
In couples therapy you shouldn’t first have to explain that your relationship is a relationship. I don’t assume that couples consist of a man and a woman or that they are monogamous. If I don’t know a term, or don’t know how you describe yourself, I ask.
What holds a relationship together is often independent of who is in it: two people who want to be connected without giving themselves up. How I work with couples, you can read under Couples therapy in Berlin.
