For many couples, talking about sex is harder than having it. The intimate questions for couples in this list are a place to start: you ask them one at a time and let each answer stand. They range from foreplay to what you do when one of you wants sex more often than the other.
Why a list of questions for couples?
Many couples want more closeness in bed and still hardly talk about it. So the questions go round in each person’s head:
- What does my partner really think about during sex?
- Am I a good lover?
- How does the other person want to be touched – and would I dare to say how I want it?
Questions like these often stay unspoken because the answer might hurt. Once they are said out loud, at least you can look at them together.
The questions in the list are worded so you can ask them straight out. Find a quiet moment and pick only the ones that fit right now. Every answer is allowed. Any question may also stay unanswered.
Sex questions for couples
Each question speaks to the person opposite you. They start broad and become more specific further down.
Deep questions: what I always wanted to know
- When was our sex life most exciting? Could we bring some of that back?
- What kind of touch feels especially good to you – and what do you miss?
- How could I make our sex more romantic?
- Does sex mean “making love” to you? How could we deepen that side of it?
- Do I flirt with you enough? How could I pay more attention?
- Do you have fantasies involving other people – and how do you feel about them?
- Where could we still grow as a couple?
- What feels unfulfilled in your sexuality, and in which direction would you like to develop?
Foreplay
For many people, desire only appears during foreplay, not before it. Questions about it:
- Where does foreplay begin for you?
- Which kinds of touch increase your arousal, and which feel unpleasant?
- Does foreplay go too fast for you? Would you like more slowness?
- Would you enjoy it if foreplay didn’t always end in sex?
- What gets you going – something physical, or more the mood and feeling close?
Touch
- Do you know all my erogenous zones?
- How do you like to be kissed and stroked?
- Are there places where you don’t want to be touched?
- Should I ask you more often how something feels (“Do you like that?”)?
- What kind of stimulation sends you into ecstasy: which rhythm, how much pressure, which movement?
Orgasm and pressure to perform
When an orgasm has to happen, desire slows down for many people. More on this under pressure to orgasm. Things you can talk about:
- Do you feel under pressure to have an orgasm?
- Maybe you never come during intercourse but haven’t dared to say so?
- How can I help you let go of the pressure?
- Does it make you sad when we don’t both reach orgasm?
When desire differs
- How has your desire changed over the course of our relationship?
- Do we want sex to different degrees? How have we dealt with that so far?
- In which situations are you most likely to feel desire?
- What do we do when I want sex and you don’t – or the other way round?
- What signals do you send when you feel like sex, and do I recognise them?
How to begin
Talking about wishes and fantasies doesn’t mean you have a problem.
Start with two or three questions, not the whole list. Choose one where you are genuinely curious about the answer.
Why the first sentence is often the hardest, I describe under talking about sex. How to show what you want without words, you can read under communication during sex.
If these conversations keep stalling between you or end in an argument, you can have them in couples therapy or sex therapy. Then I sit with you, ask questions and make sure you both get to speak.
When talking alone doesn't work.
You would like to talk more openly about sex as a couple and can't get further on your own? I offer sessions in Berlin and online.
