No desire for sex: sex therapy in Berlin

Your desire is gone, and you wonder what is wrong with you. My answer: a lack of desire is not a defect. It has a reason, and in sex therapy we look for it, on your own or as a couple.

When sex becomes a duty

Perhaps you have sex to keep the peace. Or you avoid every touch because you are afraid it might lead to more. In the evening you go to bed later. Your partner is disappointed, and you feel guilty.

Many people who come to me suffer less from the missing desire than from this guilt. They have already tried quite a lot to bring it back. It only made the pressure greater.

What a lack of desire can stand for

I assume your body chooses not to want sex for a good reason. Sometimes it is stress that leaves no room for arousal. Sometimes an argument that stands unresolved between you. Sometimes sex you haven’t enjoyed for a long time, or pain you have pushed through.

A no to sex is rarely a no to the relationship. Often it means: not like this, not under these circumstances, not as long as I don’t feel safe. And less desire doesn’t mean less love.

How I work

I don’t try to get rid of the lack of desire. I want to understand with you what it protects. So we ask: When was desire there, and what was different then? What might you be avoiding through it? And what would you need for desire to have room at all?

Alongside talking, I include the body. Many people hold their breath or tense their belly without noticing as soon as sex comes up. We explore this with breathing, movement and small awareness exercises. In sex therapy I don’t touch you, and your clothes stay on. If you like, you get exercises to do at home, often ones in which sex is explicitly not part of the plan. More on this under body-oriented therapy.

I also know a lack of desire from my own life. I write about it under About me.

If you come as a couple, we also look at the dynamic between you. If one of you wants more than the other, read more under mismatched desire.

Hormones, medication or an illness can also dampen desire. If it has changed suddenly, you are taking new medication or sex hurts, please have it checked by a doctor. The same applies to hormonal changes, for example after a birth or during menopause. Sex therapy can run alongside it.

Process and fees

You come on your own or as a couple to the practice. For conversations, for example about how you deal with the lack of desire as a couple, we can also meet online. The initial session is already our first real session. As a rule we meet every two to four weeks. How long we work together is something we discuss together.