Low libido in women: when desire grows quieter

When your desire as a woman grows quieter, there are almost always several reasons. They lie in your body, in everyday life, in your relationship and in the way you experience sex. None of this means something is wrong with you, and there are ways to look more closely.

Desire is not a switch

Desire changes. Across your cycle, across stages of life, across the years of a relationship. There are months when you hardly think about sex, and others when you miss it. There is no “normal” amount.

People speak of a loss of libido when desire hardly shows up over a longer period and you yourself are suffering from it. What counts is how much it weighs on you, not how often you have sex. Some women miss their desire. Others suffer mainly because their partner is disappointed, and they feel guilty. Both deserve to be taken seriously.

For a long time the word “frigid” was used in this context to put women down. Rightly, it is no longer used.

Spontaneous and responsive desire

Many women tell me they “never just feel like it”. They don’t think about sex all day. But when touch happens and they let themselves into it, they notice: I actually like this.

This is called responsive desire. The Canadian sexual medicine specialist Rosemary Basson described how, for many women, desire doesn’t come first. It only arises once closeness and arousal have already begun. Spontaneous desire, the kind that comes out of nowhere, is just one form of desire, and not a better one.

That changes the question. Instead of “Why don’t I want to?” it becomes: “What do I need so that I feel like letting myself into touch?” And also: “What is holding me back?”

Common influences

It is rarely just one cause. Usually several things come together and reinforce each other.

Hormones: the pill, your cycle, breastfeeding, menopause

Hormones can affect desire. Some women notice that their desire changed with hormonal contraception. While you are breastfeeding, levels of the hormone prolactin are raised, and it can dampen desire. In the years before and during menopause, your hormonal balance shifts. The mucous membranes can become drier, and sex can feel different. Whether hormones play a part for you is something your gynaecologist can find out. You can read more about the time after giving birth under sex after birth.

Physical causes and medication

A thyroid condition, chronic illness or medication can also change desire, some antidepressants for example. A low mood that lasts for weeks can take desire away too. What matters then is described further down, in the section on medical advice.

Stress, exhaustion and mental load

Alongside their jobs, many women carry most of the organising in everyday life: appointments, children, shopping, birthdays. There is a term for this: mental load. A head full of unfinished tasks and a body that is always on call leave little room for arousal. Sex needs a state in which you can let go and feel.

The author Emily Nagoski describes how strongly desire depends on context, meaning everything that happens around sex. Most of it has nothing to do with sex at all.

Pain and avoidance

When sex hurts, the body learns to avoid it. That is a way of protecting yourself. Many women push through pain because they want to please or don’t want to disappoint the other person. The body still remembers that sex is unpleasant, and desire withdraws. Read more under when sex hurts.

Relationship and self-image

Anger that goes unspoken. Sex you have to keep the peace. A partner who seems to be somewhere else inside during sex. All of this dampens desire.

Then there is how you relate to your own body. If you keep looking critically at your belly, your thighs, your vulva, you are under stress. It is hard to feel desire in a body you are always finding fault with. How desire can get lost in a relationship as a whole, I describe in no desire for sex in a relationship.

How you experience arousal shapes your desire

Arousal is also something physical, and it is learned. Sexocorporel, a body-oriented approach from clinical sexology, looks at how a person builds arousal: with what kind of breathing, how much movement, how much muscle tension.

Many women first learned arousal in a narrow, tense mode. They hold their breath, tighten the pelvic floor and thighs, and barely move. Arousal can rise this way, even to orgasm. But it often stays narrow, more pressure than pleasure. If that is how you experience sex, it makes sense that over time you don’t feel much like having it.

This is not a fault. It is a habit, and habits can be explored. What does it feel like to breathe more deeply as you become aroused? To move your pelvis instead of holding it still? To slow down? In my work I use breathing, movement, voice and body impulses for this.

What you can try yourself

Let go of the pressure to bring your desire back. Get curious instead about how your body works right now.

Feeling yourself

Lie down for a few minutes and breathe down into your belly and pelvis. Where do you feel something, and where nothing? Touch yourself without anything having to come of it: arms, belly, inner thighs, vulva. What feels pleasant, and what doesn’t?

If you put yourself under pressure to orgasm when you touch yourself, read when you pressure yourself to orgasm.

Don’t force desire

Don’t have sex you don’t want. That sounds obvious, but in many relationships it isn’t. Every time you override an inner no, your body learns that sex is something to be endured.

Agree instead on tenderness that doesn’t have to lead to sex. Cuddling that is allowed to stay cuddling. For many women this is the first time in a long while that they can enjoy touch without already pulling away inside.

What libido products promise

Herbal supplements and “libido pills” for women are sold online. Whether a product is an option for you is something to discuss with your doctor or a pharmacist. I don’t recommend any products. In my experience, the questions behind them are rarely answered by a pill: What do I need? What do I no longer want?

Talking to your partner about it

Many women stay silent for a long time. Out of shame, out of fear of hurting the other person, or because they don’t know themselves what is going on. The silence makes it harder for both of you. The other person often reads your holding back as rejection.

Find a calm moment, not in bed. Speak about yourself: “I don’t feel much desire at the moment, and it has nothing to do with not loving you.” Or: “I want to find out what feels good to me, and I need time without expectations for that.” Less desire doesn’t mean less love. Many partners are relieved to hear it.

When medical advice matters

If your desire has changed suddenly, if sex hurts, if you are taking new medication or your cycle has changed, please see your gynaecologist or your GP first. Don’t stop taking medication on your own; talk to your doctor about it. If you have been feeling low and without energy for weeks, medical or psychotherapeutic help is the right place to turn. In Germany, statutory health insurance usually covers these costs.

When support can make sense

Once everything physical has been checked and you want to understand what is holding your desire back, sex therapy can be one way forward. I don’t work on getting rid of your lack of desire. I assume it has a good reason. We look for that reason together: by talking about your history, your relationship and your wishes, and through the body. We pay attention to how you breathe, where you hold tension, what you feel. In sex therapy I don’t touch you, and your clothes stay on. If you like, you get exercises to do at home.

You can come on your own or with your partner. You can read more about working with the body under body-oriented therapy. As a rule, you pay the fees yourself.

A first step

I work in Neukölln, in Prenzlauer Berg and online, in German and English. Write me a few lines, even if you don’t yet know exactly what you are looking for.