One of you wants more sex, the other less. This easily turns into a cycle in which both of you feel wrong. In couples and sex therapy, we look at what happens between you and at what kind of sex life could feel right for both of you.
Two sides of the same distress
The one who wants more keeps hearing no. At some point they stop asking, or push all the harder. Then come the doubts: does my partner still desire me at all?
The one who wants less feels the pressure before anything has even happened. Every hug might be an invitation. Some say yes so as not to disappoint the other, and go past their own limits in the process.
How the cycle closes
Two people having different amounts of desire is nothing unusual in itself. It becomes difficult because of what both make of it. The more one of you reaches out, the more the other withdraws. Both want to solve the problem and keep it going precisely by trying. In the end, sex freezes, and often so does the tenderness that has nothing to do with sex.
In this dynamic, neither side is “normal” and neither is “broken”. You both keep it going.
How I work with you
I ask both of you: why do you actually have sex? For closeness, to make up after a fight, to feel desired? Each of these reasons can meet a reason for not wanting sex. Someone who looks for closeness through sex may meet someone who already finds the relationship too close. Someone who wants to make up through sex meets someone for whom the argument isn’t over yet.
The person with less desire shouldn’t “just do it”. The person with more desire doesn’t have to put their wishes away. Both would mean overriding feelings. We look for words for what each of you needs, and for what is possible between you.
Alongside conversation, I use small exercises with breathing, movement and awareness. I don’t touch couples myself, and you keep your clothes on. If you like, you get ideas to try at home.
Together we can look for the kind of sex that works for both of you. We can meet in my Berlin practice or online, on your own or as a couple. If you like, we can talk on the phone for 15 minutes first, free of charge.
Request an initial sessionProcess and fees
A couples session lasts 90 minutes in the practice and 60 minutes online. The initial session is already our first real session. We usually meet every two to four weeks. How long we work together is something we discuss jointly.
Fees
| in person | online | |
|---|---|---|
| Couples session | €18590 min | €12560 min |
| Individual session | €11060 min | €11060 min |
Fees per session, the same for every topic. The first session costs the same as any other.
Payment by bank transfer or PayPal. Free cancellation up to 48 hours before your appointment. Statutory health insurance does not cover the costs.
Am Friedrichshain 22
10407 Berlin
- Tram M4, buses 142 and 200 (stop Am Friedrichshain)
- Mon–Fri, 10 am–8 pm, by arrangement
- In English or German
- Not wheelchair accessible – online sessions possible
Karl-Marx-Straße 7
12043 Berlin
- U7/U8 Hermannplatz (a few minutes' walk)
- Mon–Fri, 10 am–8 pm, by arrangement
- In English or German
- Not wheelchair accessible – online sessions possible
Online sessions
By encrypted video, in English or German. Fully online or alternating with sessions at the practice.
Questions about mismatched desire
“So which of us has the problem?”
Neither of you alone. Mismatched desire arises between two people. That’s why I look at what happens between you, not at who has to change.
“What if we’re just not compatible?”
That’s possible. But usually it only becomes clear in the work how much of the lack of desire has to do with pressure and how much with old conflict. What you make of that is your decision.
“My partner doesn’t want sex any more. What can I do?”
Often the opposite of what seems obvious. The one who wants more tries questions, pleading, reproaches or a pointed show of going without. The other person feels the pressure in all of it, even when it’s quiet. A more useful question is the one you ask yourself: what am I looking for in sex? Closeness, reassurance, relaxation? And what would happen if I said that out loud instead of courting sex? You can also come to me on your own with these questions.
“Can I come on my own?”
Yes. Especially the person with less desire sometimes wants to understand what is going on alone first. More under sex therapy for low desire.
Let's start where you feel stuck right now.
A sentence or two is enough. I usually reply within 24 hours and suggest a time for an initial session.
