Good sex is sex that brings you joy and harms no one. It has little to do with technique or performance, and nothing to do with whether you have an orgasm every time. What makes good sex for you depends on what you need – and many people don’t really know that.
Am I having good sex, or could there be more? How can I let go? Many people come to my practice with questions like these, especially women. They want to see more clearly what they actually want in their sexuality and in their relationship.
When more might be possible
What matters first is that you feel comfortable and your boundaries are respected. Even so, many people sense that more might be possible in their sexuality, without being able to say exactly what. Then it is worth taking a closer look, on your own or in sex therapy or couples therapy.
What good sex means to you: questions from my sessions
In conversations with clients, we look at questions such as these:
- Why do I have sex? Because I’m looking for closeness or relaxation – or to do something nice for the person beside me?
- What does sex mean to me? For some it is connection and security. For others it is an encounter with fear or shame, sometimes also a duty.
- What needs do I have? This is often where longings or boundaries appear that have never been put into words.
It helps to know your own turn-ons and turn-offs. Which thoughts or situations arouse you? What tends to put you off? Only once that is clear to you can you bring it up in your relationship.
When feelings are hard to name
Many of my clients talk about pressure and insecurity because they can’t say what they feel or need. Often even getting in touch with their own feelings is hard. There are usually reasons for that, and they can be explored.
In the sessions we pay attention to what you feel and what happens in your body as you feel it. That often makes it clearer what you are missing. In the next step we look for words you can use to tell your partner, without blame and without making yourself small.
A first step you can take on your own
Write down what turns you on and what turns you off, without judging it. Nobody has to see the list. If you would like to talk about it with someone, on your own or as a couple, an initial session is the next step.
What is good sex for you?
If you would like to get to the bottom of your own needs, I am glad to work with you – on your own or as a couple.
