When sex in a long-term relationship becomes routine, it often starts to feel like a duty: something you just do. Behind that there is usually a question nobody has asked for a long time – what do you actually want? You can look for the answer, alone and together.
Many people reach this point at some stage. Ask them whether their needs are met in sex, and they don’t know. Over the years a sexual script has set in, a fixed sequence that repeats itself almost on its own: one person makes a move, a little foreplay, penetration, done. What else sex can be has slipped out of view.
Why sex in long-term relationships becomes routine
Early desire feeds on novelty, on a body you don’t know yet and on everything you haven’t discovered. In a long relationship all of that becomes familiar. Add everyday life, often with children. If sex then settles into fixed patterns, it doesn’t mean your relationship is broken. Two people wanting different amounts of sex is part of long relationships too. Rather than asking how it used to be, it is more useful to ask how your desire works today.
What sex can be
Sex often begins long before bed, in the middle of everyday life:
- flirting with your partner in the kitchen
- a hand on the hip, a long kiss in passing
- a fantasy you carry around with you for half the day
Sex is talking, touching, listening, feeling, tasting, holding. It can be a long, intimate massage that doesn’t end in intercourse. Masturbation belongs here too: you stroke your own body and get to know it as you do.
Sex rarely starts in bed.
Finding your own needs in sex
You are more likely to discover what turns you on by trying things out than by thinking it over. The following questions can be a start. Pick one, not all of them at once.
- Which thoughts arouse you?
- What does your partner do that turns you on?
- Do you want to be pampered? Or do you enjoy building tension and taking the lead more?
- A spontaneous quickie or a long evening – which appeals to you more at the moment?
There is no right or wrong here. Your answers may change over time.
You can also start with your body rather than your thoughts. Next time you are touched, notice where you feel it, how you are breathing and which pace you like.
How to bring it up
Talk about it outside the bedroom, as curiosity about yourself rather than criticism of the other person. For example: “I’ve noticed that I don’t really know what I like in sex. I’d like to find out with you.” You will find ideas in the questions for couples and in the article on how to talk about what you want.
When no answer comes
Sometimes the search creates pressure at first. You can hardly think of anything that turns you on. Or the thought of sex feels heavy, almost threatening. That is not a failure. There are reasons for it, and they can be looked at.
If your desire has gone altogether, that is a question of its own. If sex hurts, please have it checked by a doctor.
In sex therapy we look into these reasons. Where does the pressure come from? What do you want, and how can you say it? You can do this alone in an individual session and just as well as a couple.
If you want to start today: take one of the questions above and write down what comes to mind. Even if it is only one sentence.
Finding out what you want.
If sex feels like a duty, we can look together at what you actually want – alone or as a couple.
