Foreplay: the underrated part of sex

Foreplay is already sex, not just what happens before the “real” sex. For many people, foreplay means a bit of kissing and stroking, and then comes penetration. If foreplay is only a warm-up like that, you often skip the very part where arousal builds.

What is foreplay, and what is lovemaking?

The word lovemaking covers the whole sexual encounter, not one part of it. The couples therapist Esther Perel puts it roughly like this: foreplay begins at the end of the last orgasm. She means everything that creates tension between two people. Looks belong to it, playing with attraction, curiosity about each other. Most of it happens long before anyone undresses.

When sex follows a script

Many couples who come to me describe their sex life as a fixed sequence: “After A comes B – and that’s pretty much how it always goes.” When sex follows the same pattern every time, foreplay becomes a duty. A short prelude before “it really gets going”. Desire and curiosity easily fall by the wayside.

Penetration before arousal

Many women tell me that penetration happens before they are aroused at all. For them, foreplay isn’t a pleasurable part in its own right. It is the transition to something they don’t find particularly arousing themselves. It is easy to understand why some of them then shut down, inside or physically.

Foreplay is the main event

Imagine touch were at the centre of an encounter, and penetration were one possibility among several.

In couples therapy and sex therapy, I invite couples to encounters where nothing has to happen at the end. Not even an orgasm – which in heterosexual relationships is often only the man’s anyway. Together we look at what desire means to you when nobody has to perform.

Foreplay isn’t preparation for sex. It is sex.

How long should foreplay last?

There is no right length. Arousal builds differently in each person, and on some days it comes more easily than on others. Tiredness or an unresolved argument slows it down. Calm and the feeling of being accepted help it along.

Paying attention to your own body helps more than looking at the clock. Is your breathing getting deeper? Do you want more of a particular touch? Signs like these tell you more than any rule. You may take as much time as you need. For most partners that is no burden. They are glad to know what feels good to you.

You are the first person responsible for your own arousal. You can breathe more deeply, move your pelvis, think of something that turns you on, or touch yourself. That is part of foreplay too. Whatever the other person adds comes on top. It isn’t something they owe you.

Foreplay for women and for men: people are different

Anyone looking for “foreplay for women” or “foreplay for men” is often hoping for instructions. What I see in my practice above all is how different people are, even within the same gender.

Many women tell me that they need more time and touch across the whole body before they want more. Many men say they feel under pressure during foreplay to do it “right”, and hardly get to enjoy it themselves. These are experiences, not rules. The questions behind them come up in every relationship.

Over time, touch turns into habit. People who have been together a long time often touch each other the way that worked years ago. Ask: “What do you like right now?” Or use your hand to show how you want to be touched. Your partner’s answer tells you more than any list of what “women” or “men” supposedly like.

Questions for yourself

In lovemaking you explore yourself and the other person with all your senses. You can ask yourself these questions quietly beforehand:

• Where are my partner’s erogenous zones?
• How do I want to be touched?
• Can I give touch without losing myself?
• Do I allow myself to take time – and to ask for it?
• Can I accept that a sexual encounter doesn’t end in penetration and is still satisfying?

Questions you can ask each other are collected under questions for couples.

Foreplay ideas to try

Agree on an evening when penetration is off the table. Whatever happens between you then is the foreplay this article is about. How to say or show what you like along the way, you can read under communication during sex. Why the kind of touch matters so much for many women’s orgasm, I describe under female orgasm.

If you keep slipping back into the old routine, or find it hard to talk about, we can look at it together in a session.