Sexuality after sexual abuse: closeness in relationships

Sexual abuse can shape how someone experiences closeness and sex for years afterwards. Sexuality after sexual abuse therefore often affects both people in a relationship: the person who experienced abuse often struggles with fear and shame, and the person at their side often doesn’t know how to support them. What you are going through is an understandable consequence of what happened – you set the pace and the limits, and clear agreements give you both a sense of security.

What sexual abuse means

Sexual abuse means sexual acts against a person’s will or without their free consent. Nobody can consent freely who was a child, was dependent or was put under pressure. Many specialist services speak of sexualised violence, because it is about power.

Pressure and threats are often part of it. Someone forces sexual acts through manipulation, or threatens consequences or violence. The fear this creates stays with many survivors for years.

Possible emotional and physical effects

The effects are different for every person. Many survivors describe flashbacks: memories that feel as if it were happening again right now. Others talk about shame, about feeling they are losing control, or about finding closeness and trust hard. All of this can affect sexuality.

Sexuality after abuse: what can change

For many survivors, sexuality and what happened are closely linked. For them, sexual experiences had to do with violence and abuse of power rather than with closeness and pleasure.

What can happen in intimate situations

• Sex can set off triggers. These are cues that bring back memories of what happened, such as particular kinds of touch, smells or situations. Sometimes flashbacks or panic follow.
• Some people switch off inside during sex and are no longer fully present. This is how the body protects itself from something that is too much.
• Many find it hard to feel pleasure and to trust their own body.

When a trigger comes up in bed

Stopping is always allowed, even in the middle of sex and without explanation. Some people then find it helps to arrive in the here and now: switch on the light, open their eyes, say out loud where they are and who is with them. Whether and when you talk about it afterwards is your decision.

What this means for the relationship

Many survivors ask themselves: “Am I normal?” or “Will I ever be able to experience a sexuality that feels good?” Questions like these wear away at self-confidence.

Partners are often at a loss: “How do I handle this the right way?” – “Should I ask, or should I stay quiet?”

When closeness becomes a trigger

Sometimes it is loving closeness in particular that touches the old experiences. If your partner pulls back then, it is not about you. It is a consequence of what happened.

Approaching it with care in the relationship

Closeness without sex

Sexuality is more than intercourse. Closeness can come from cuddling, from talking, from a massage or simply from time together. Moments like these, without expectations, can strengthen trust.

Taking triggers seriously

If your partner shows signs of fear or withdraws, take it seriously. Talk about it gently, when it feels right for both of you.

Talking about limits and wishes

Discuss what feels good and what is out of the question. Some couples agree on a word or a gesture that means stop at any time.

A “no” always counts – even in the middle of an intimate moment.

Patience

Dealing with experiences like these takes time. A reliable, loving relationship is a good foundation for it.

What you can do as a partner

Be there, in everyday life as much as in intimate moments. Safety grows out of reliability.

Expect setbacks. Change rarely runs in a straight line, and there may be phases in which old fears return. Then understanding helps more than pressure.

You are allowed to get support too. Some counselling services for survivors also advise partners and family members.

When the violence happens in the relationship

If you are experiencing sexualised violence in your current relationship, your safety comes first. Couples therapy is not the right place for this. You will find specialist counselling services under support services; if you are in acute danger, call 112, the emergency number in Germany.

Support from outside

Sometimes the support within the relationship is not enough. In sex therapy or couples therapy in Berlin, we look together at what happens between you when fear comes up. We look for forms of closeness that feel safe for both of you. This is also possible alone in an individual session, and you set the pace.

My sessions are not a substitute for trauma therapy. If memories of what happened strongly shape your everyday life, additional support with a focus on trauma makes sense; your GP practice (Hausarztpraxis) can be a first point of contact. You will find counselling services and helplines under support services.

If you are looking for a way to start as a couple: at a calm moment, not in bed, talk about a single question – what feels safe for both of you right now.